When you watch yourself living.

The saying goes, the unexamined life is not worth living. Lately I’ve started to think that the opposite is true; what does it do? Does it make me happier? I guess that’s the main question, which could measure its truth.

Thinking about this in terms of how the observer influences reality, but applied inward, looking at yourself. Now you’re being watched.

Now it might not be the case for you. In a podcast episode, I discussed with a friend the overthinking and self-doubt that went into speaking on camera for the first time. He said he didn’t even think about it once.

Me? I’m in my head all day long; I can't help it.

You have no idea how bad I wish I could just scroll TikTok and not feel guilty, but I can't, and since I can't, I look inside.

Sure, that’s the cure for all our modern ailments. Just ask Andrew Huberman, David Sinclair or Bryan Johnson. Screen time is the devil…

It might be the same reason I’ve struggled with meditation.

I fantasise about being a medieval peasant, having to work in the field all day, and having the option to eat stale bread, or not eat at all, and have no social mobility at my disposal. But I know I’d hate it.

I might be going through a midlife crisis. Not sure if it’s possible at 39, though. But I’m becoming even more self-aware, especially about life ambitions. Of course, at a young age I thought I would be special, I would “make it”, and by all intents and purposes I have. I’ve always wanted to live in Europe, and now I’m living here, I even have an EU passport, I have kids and a wife; all of these are things I wanted, and still want and love. But my self-awareness is always checking in on some of my other ambitions, yet to, or never to be fulfilled.

Excelling at something creative, like photography, music, art, writing, being rich, being well respected among my peers, being liked. Fuck being loved and healthy; anyone can have that.

The point being, maybe if I managed to live a more unexamined life, perhaps I wouldn’t be so self-aware.